Hello All my Loves!
I am sorry to all my readers for the lack of posting. In all honesty I had a full month of posts planned for the month of November and was even going to be doing Blog-mas this year which had a fun month filled activity list from picking out a tree to decorating and even making our family cookies.
Unfortunately, over the past couple months my personal and family life has been anything but smooth sailing. Which caused the break in my Simply Amari blog, I wanted to take a minute to breath and really get a handle on a lot of the situations that have come up. Allowing myself to really get in touch with my feelings and figuring out where I stood and the path that I needed to be on.
I absolutely love writing and making blog posts and ideas for families to grow together. So after this much needed break I hope that I can continue to inspire and bring families together to enjoy all of the little moments that life has to offer.
As for today's post, I want to talk about Mom Guilt and how absolutely real it is. For those of you that do not know what Mom Guilt is according to Lori Mihalich- Levin over at MindfulReturn says that mom guilt, can strike at any time and can show itself in any number of “mom” situations. They can come from any enormous expectations from society, media, family and friends about what mothers “should be like” and what we “should do.”
This could be anything from Breastfeeding vs Bottle-feeding, or going back to work to early and going out for the night with some friends. Mom guilt can come in any way, shape or form and it effects a lot of mom's especially in new first time moms.
I know first hand how damaging mom guilt can be on self esteem and just overall outlook on life. Sometimes even holding you back from being the best parent you can be, between second guessing every action and putting your own fears in front of being a great parent.
When I left my daughters father, I was putting my daughters future and my happiness first. I never thought back about it, or even second myself. I didn't really understand how in that moment, when I looked at him and didn't see the love or the father that my daughter needed could effect me in the way that it has.
I mean don't get me wrong, I would never go back with her bio-dad and honestly I am not even broken up about it, Aria was barley 1 when him and I split up and as much as it sucks, she doesn't know him and doesn't remember the pain he caused her and I when he was in our life. Then we had met Jay, who was everything her dad wasn't, he stepped up and became an amazing father and took over when I needed him, though I never asked for help I was always grateful for him, he slowly became the only father she ever knew or wanted to know.
Everything was great, I mean picture perfect family, Aria had a dad and he had a daughter that he adored. Even I was happy and looking forward to the future I mean I planned a whole wedding and more kids. I was in love and so was he. Until we weren't.
I mean we are young and we lived very different lives, he knew the exact woman he wanted to marry and how his life was going to end up, where I wasn't sure. I barely knew if I wanted to stay in Illinois or what I wanted to do. This isn't me saying that I wasn't sure about him, I think what it was, was that the path we were on seemed to be two very different paths, but we expected each other to be on the path we wanted.
At one point I started taking bricks off my path, stopping things that I wanted to not upset him or make him leave. I even started hiding my feeling and becoming a person I didn't want to be, just to not break his image of me. I struggled with my depression and self hate a lot constantly feeling like I couldn't go to him for anything. I was putting so much pressure on myself to be perfect for him and being the person he wanted, to fit this cookie cutter image he had. When that wasn't me.
He didn't ask me to change myself or even care that I did, he would always say that he loved me for just being me. Which was probably true but I started feeling guilty that if I wasn't the person he wanted, or if he fell out of love with me..... Aria would lose the only father she had. So everything made me feel guilty, not cooking his favorite meal or falling asleep before him. I started to get in my own head and convincing myself that I wasn't enough for him. Which made me so miserable, I didn't like the person I was in the mirror and I was afraid to change that picture, to shatter this image of me that made him happy.
I was crying every night wondering if this was it, if I was stuck being unhappy forever because I felt guilty for not giving Aria this perfect home. That she would grow up without her dads because of me, so I tried pushing everything down to make sure she had her dad around. I know that seems so stupid and yeah, I was definitely the problem but we both had a hand in this. He knew I wasn't happy and instead of trying to fix things he always made them worse, making me feel like I wasn't enough, that the person I was, wasn't right for him so I needed to change, when he didn't have to.
I was letting everything build up inside me and I felt like I had no place, or person to tun to when I felt like I was drowning. The people I thought I could talk to would run and tell him everything and would cause fights and arguments, which led me to bottling everything up.
It wasn't until recently did I really understand what I was feeling. I looked at my daughter and she just gave me a hug. In her cute little voice she said, don't be sad mommy, you have me. I don't think she understood how much that meant to me, and right after she let me go and went back to her toys I let go of all the pain and stress I didn't know I was holding in. I really did breath. Jay and I decided that we needed to separate, that being together wasn't doing either of us any good and we were both becoming unhealthy.
There's a lot of mom guilt that comes with this decision, and I didn't take it lightly, him and I thought a lot and even took small breaks before making the decision to separate completely. At some point we decided that nothing was ever going to change if we didn't, so we needed to change. It sucks to say this and it makes no sense but I am okay.
I thought I would be heartbroken and destroyed that this person that I gave everything to and opened my family to was gone. I think I was holding onto so much that when we finally said that we were done, I let everything go. All the times I was mad at him and hated him. Everything, I let it go and breathed. Knowing that I was going to be okay, and I needed to love myself first and be a mother first.
That I didn't need someone that made me want to change myself the way he did, and not in a bad way. It was just I wasn't the woman he wanted and to not feel guilt for Aria growing up without her dad I just changed for him. Becoming someone I wasn't and changing the parts of me that I loved to fit him.
There's so many things that I have done wrong, I mean I can go through a list of mistakes I've made since I was 13 but, making the decision to walk away from Jay knowing that I was going to be okay, and healthy and knowing that making that decision would make me a better mother.
I don't think I will ever regret. I am happy being a Single Woman and a Single Mom. As terrible as it sounds, I think finding myself and putting my daughter and I first is what helps with the mom guilt.
I will always feel guilty that Aria has to grow up without knowing her dad or being with the father raised her, but I can only hope one day I can give her the life she deserves and one meet someone that doesn't make me second guess myself or make me feel alone.
I have her, and we will be fine. I know that.
Until next time,