An open letter to the Man that abandoned my daughter.
It has been many days that have turned into weeks and months then finally into years. We have had many springs and summers filled with parks and pools without you. We have celebrated holidays and filled our tummies of warm cookies without you. And we are doing fine.
I am not numb to the idea of running into you on our shopping trips nor am I afraid of the idea of seeing you with your new girl at festivals, These thoughts do not worry me they do not bring me sadness.
I have thought long and hard about what I would say to you if i did see you on the street, I wonder if she will be 6 or 16, I question if you would recognize her out in public if she is with her friends.
She would not recognize you nor would she see you in a group and call your name, no matter if she was 3 or 18, she would not know you. Not as a father or as a friend, she would not see you and feel a rush of emotions, or run into your arms as a piece of her that was missing.
She will not know you.
It is not something I planned or wanted but it is the truth.
She does not know you.
You where not there for her first tooth or her first steps. You knew of her but did not care to be there. You came to her first birthday but were too busy getting drunk and high to wish her a happy birthday. You left the first chance you could and stole all of her gifts and toys she had just gotten. It was the last time i was manipulated by you. I promised her that night she would never go through this pain.
You faded from her life slowly, calling here and there and asking for a hand out any chance you could. You used your family as a chip to convince me to let her go with you, to find out you would drop her off at your family then get drunk and high the rest of the night.
Her school would call on the nights you were supposed to pick her up saying you never showed up. You abandoned her at every chance while I fought for you to be around. I begged and pleaded for you to be the father you promised me that you would be. You manipulated me, you controlled my every move, you destroyed me.
I finally got fed up, when her school called and said you dropped her off in the same clothes, she hadn't been changed and had a bad rash and they said you were under the influence and she smelled like drugs. I put my hands up and gave up on you. You knew you messed up, you knew it so you walked out. We didn't hear from you until I took you to court then you fought the judge saying that 200$ a month in child support was to much. I received 800$ from you in 3 years, while you drove around in that nice new car living in your new home.
I have given up on you and i was hated by all our friends and your family calls me the devil woman. They do not call her or ask me to see her. They take your side since they did not see your addiction. They did not see the abuse you did to me. They still take your side. They do not ask to see her but take the time to call me names and say I am a terrible mother. They do not see my struggle nor will they ever.
I raised her alone. She is perfect and beautiful no thanks to you.
She has manners and is nurturing because I have raised her with values.
You will never get those moments back,
When she has nightmares she runs to me and needs comfort from me.
When she wakes up she always has a smile on her face, and when she falls asleep she needs to be read to sleep.
She refuses to go to sleep without hugs and kisses, no matter how tired she is.
She starts preschool soon and I will be there for her first day I will be there for when she gets out of school.
She can count to ten in English and Spanish and sing her ABC’s. She loves to sing and dance and has a heart that can never be empty.
You have missed all the little moments of kisses and smelling the flowers, you have missed every doctors visit and ER run. You have missed every fever and scraped knee but have the nerve to call me a shit mother.
I have so much hatred for you.
I have so much because i see this little girl, this little part of me that has so much wonder in the world, her eyes are brown and has so many questions and you took a look at her and walked away.
You choose drugs over her and you can lie to every person on this planet and say that I keep her from you but deep down you know the same truth as i do.
You didn't want to be a father, you never intended on becoming a dad at 28. You can lie and tell anyone any story but you were the one spending her formula money on drugs and you got us kicked out of our home. You were the one who caused her to nearly suffocate because you were coked out and couldn't be bothered to watch her. You tell a pretty story to those who believe you because I have heard it. I have heard your stories, I have had people call me names and comment on my social media saying how i am this psycho person.
I hate you because one day she will come home from school and ask me why you left.
When that day comes I will not tell her about the abuse, I will not say how you manipulated me and how you chose drugs over her. I will tell her that we were young and you were not ready to be a father. That at 28 you were down a bad path and at 20 I chose to be a mother. When the day comes and she asks to see photos of you, I pray she doesn't see your mugshot, I ask the Fates to not see your criminal background so she never has to think she comes from a person of hate.
I hate you.
But I also Thank you.
Without you I would have never met the love of my life and the person I would always adore. She would have never been born without you. So for that i thank you. My heart wouldn’t have known love the way it does. I would have never known how strong I am, how I would be able to deal with everything mentally while still being a great mom.
I may have my flaws but i will always be better because I am the one who stayed. I am the one who works two jobs to support everything she can ask for. I will be there for every parent teacher conference and every good morning kiss. I will be there for homecoming and graduation day.
I will always be her mom, no matter on the days she says she hates me and slams the door in my face. Or the days when she gets her first heartbreak i will be there. I will always be her mom but you…. You will never be her father.
You have never been her father.
You have always been the man who abandoned her.
The Family you abandoned.