I actually just want to rant for a moment today. So sorry in advance for the whole post. But i need to get something off my chest.
Today a really good friend of mine like almost best friend of mine got mad at me over the stupidest of reasons. I have known him for a really long time and he has always been there for me through thick and thin and have always been the person I went to for anything and everything. He was there when Aria’s Bio Dad baled and I caught him cheating, he was also the person I had been by my side for all my happy moments. Since our kids are about the same age he has always been the person I went to for parenting advice or just someone to vent my feelings to.
Now since i have met him he has always been the older guy that treated me like a princess but made fun of me like a brother and up until recently did i think there was anything more to that. Like I just thought of him and I as that brother/sister relationship, since I was never his type and he never showed any real signs of having feelings for me. I mean it was fine like I was happy to just have him in my life and to be honest I didn't see him as much else because I just figured he wasn't into me since when him and I where both single he never made a move or every changed his opinion of me. So why on earth would I think 3 years after knowing him he actually had feelings for me?
He has been so sweet and respected me in this whole thing and to be honest when Jay said something I honestly though he was lying and just kept saying no (THIS GUY) doesn't. Which got me and Jay into this long conversation and talked about it for a while. Basically convincing me that this Guy has feelings for me and that's why he got so mad over the dumbest thing and now won't talk to me.
Like this brings up what I want to talk about, why do guys, and girls, automatically decide how they want a relationship to go. I mean like this guy basically decided that I wouldn't feel the same way and that we were better friends so he never made a move, or even like hinted he was feeling me. So I never looked for the signs, like he would say that his type was these Blonde Hair, Blue Eyed girls and hello, i am neither blonde hair or blue eyed. So of course I didn't assume that i was his type.
I Just don't think its fair that he made my decision for me and didn't even let me decide if i felt the same because now it's been 3 years and I am happy in my relationship and for 3 years I have only seen him as my best friend and what? He thinks finally saying that It has always been me is going to make me drop everything and spill my hidden love for him?
To be completely honest I don't even know how I feel about him, I don't know if I feel the same or if it's just that, What If?
Okay, so I can’t put all the blame on him and now that I do know and looking back yeah I could see it. I could see the moments he was doing things out of love rather than as his friend. And sure maybe I missed a few signs and a few moments to but… I really didn't know. I mean sure i'm not saying that i didn't see them completely and maybe once upon a time I thought about it, like what if he did just reach over… and what if these moments we go to lunch together are dates.
I mean sure…. But he could have told me. He could have said, ‘hey, i think i'm falling for you and i need to know how you feel?” and maybe we would have tried or maybe we would have failed but to not do anything and expect something other than heartbreak. Because now I lose my best friend? How is that fair to me either and I mean i do care for him because he is my best friend and I love his kids and I am so happy to see him.
He wants me to be happy and make my decision and I want to make it but how do I really make my decision without hurting anyone? Or myself?
How do I know that it wasn't meant to be and it was him I was waiting for? Or how do I know that if I run into his arms and it doesn't work out I still lose my best friend and a man who has loved my daughter since he met her?
I am so conflicted and I don't know where my feelings are or where my head is.
Thanks for turning into a Moment of Mari!